A trip to an unknown territory, a new job, moving to a new country. These changes can be unbalancing and shaking our sense of control, even if in most cases we have started the change ourselves.
Imagine the disruption of changes we haven’t welcomed: a request to divorce, a long sickness or simply a new responsibility at work.
Our first reaction in these latter cases is denial. Common thoughts running through our head are “this can’t be true”, “it’s not happening to me”, “it’s just a bad dream”.
After denial we feel anger, a sense of being alone against the rest of the world, followed by resignation and the idea that we are not equipped to overcome the situation.
The paradox of change is that we can change only when we acknowledge what is happening to us and take responsibility for the change.
How can we reach the acceptance phase?
- Asking ourselves “What can I learn from this experience?”
- Being aware that we can’t skip any of the previous phases
We need a lot of self-compassion, which does not mean that we wallow in sadness. It means to recognize that every change requires time to be accepted and digested.
When we reach the acceptance phase, we can set daily goals which will allow us to develop new competencies, skills and strategies to cope with the situation. Baby steps are key. If we need to get back in shape after a car accident, we concentrate on the daily routine with the physiotherapist, instead of ruminating at our inability to run the NY marathon yet.
If we are quarantined, we can create new habits and routines, that can substitute for those momentarily lost.
If we work well in this phase, we can consolidate our new developed capabilities and master them, so that they become part of our new identity.
The more we train in the unexpected the better we will be equipped for the up and downs of life.